DEAR DADDY

Today I am tasked with the very mammoth responsibility of writing the second hardest speech YET!

I have stalled and literally ignored this moment for many months now and finally the day is here. Oh my Goodness, how will I get through this?

Actually this is the hardest speech I have ever had to write because unlike last year I was completely zoned out; unaware of what was going on. I was in a space where nothing was real to me. Seeing him laying lifeless on the bed wasnt real, seeing him in the coffin was just a bad dream and finally, lowering that coffin six feet into the earth........ that was real! and today.... exactly 12 months later, this is as real as it gets.
I cannot for a second understand how time has gone by so fast. Oh well, only God alone can explain this but some things are left unexplained and i don't mind.

I wish I could live In October 2012, ALL MY LIFE! because that way he would still be here! Here forever! I wish I could hide him away from the Grim Reaper (because that's who steals kills and destroys)  and mostly I wish I knew Last year today that I would lose him! Maybe I would have done some things different!

Today he dies again! I just cant take it. This time I know its true.. how can I hold back tears when all I feel is pain? I have the worst headache from suppressing these tears.... I feel like they just wont stop if I let them. I promise, the moment any one mentions your name, my eyes pour... I am like a balloon waiting to just pop. I want to say its okay, you lived your life and it was time for you to go but to me, you are gone too soon.... I have to actively force my brain to ignore the fact that you are not here. But don't worry so much about me, I am not always like this, its just that TODAY marks exactly one year since you answered the bright light call. I can still see your face asking me to let you go. Your body language saying you are safe in God's hands...your eyes that couldn't stop staring at me.. the exact thing i was doing when you were pronounced dead.. wow, you are greatly missed.

On the 9th we are holding some sort of memorial for you - church service and all, im sure you would storm out of your room and ask everyone to go home because you are safe.... well, either that or you would be happy to see us all gather. I cant promise I wont cry (seeing as thats what I do best these days) but I promise to give the best speech I have ever written (well, when I start to write it).

Daddy, you meant the world to me.. first God then you.. even mum couldn't fight this order... lol, she just knew I was your girl. But now I am her girl. She is so patient with me.. with all of us. She is doing so well in taking care of the house, just like you groomed her to, because we all know you were King!!

I am yet to start drafting my tribute to you and when I do, it will describe what a great man you were, an amazing leader, a good friend and the best father one can ever have. You gave me your ALL. You were ever so present- taught me how to walk and eventually how to drive and till today, I drive like a man (well, between that and a bus driver.lol) because you taught me to be independent and never be a push over. I live to make you proud.

As hard as some days are, I thank the good Lord for your marvellous time here on earth with us. We are so blessed to have been picked to spend the bulk of your earthly time with us. I couldnt have asked for a better mentor. The way you prayed and said "God willing" before everything you wanted to do, I see why you always sought God's permission.

I won't pre-empty my whole speech here so il leave it at "Enjoy Heaven" BIG G!! (and yes, all of Buff's friends still call you that, #nutcases!)

I always say that if my cellphone could reach Heaven, your line would forever be engaged!

I MISS YOU Daddy!